In the early fall of 2023, I was lucky enough to attend the wedding of two of the most important people in my life. Tucked into the back room of a giant bookstore, surrounded by tomes new and old, large and larger, the couple said their “I do’s” and were off to live in wedded bliss.

And as the newly wed couple greeted each reveler I couldn’t help the feeling of pride and happiness in how far the woman in the black dress had come. She’d gone from the girl who fought for a place to belong (and never quite getting it) to the powerful woman who created her place to belong. And how her journey so closely mirrored my own (minus the wedding bit because no thanks).

Stuck in my own reverie as we were leaving the bookstore, a little plaque grabbed me by the hair and demanded my attention. On its matte black background glittering gold letters, it proclaimed: It’s not about finding yourself. It’s about creating yourself.

Excuse me? Ms or Mr Plaque, did you just destroy everything I’ve thought about the world in my last forty-something years of living? Did I really spend all this time thinking that I should have figured myself out by now? The nerve you have, Ms or Mr Plaque to just say “create yourself.”

How the hell do you do that? Spoiler: a lot of us have been doing this for years without realizing it.

Be Honest with Yourself

People generally like living in their happy little bubble. We also like lying to ourselves…a lot. I get it — being brutally honest with yourself sucks out loud. Honesty makes you feel all of those uncomfortable squishy emotions that too many people avoid at all costs.

I dated a man in the early 2000s and I was absolutely crazy about him. Never mind that at that time in my life I had never seen a healthy relationship before (sorry mom and dad, love y’all) so I had less than zero ideas on how to properly behave in a relationship. As you might imagine, it ended abruptly and horribly. I’ll spill the tea in another article, I promise.

Years later when I reflected on my bad behavior I was appalled. When it was happening, however, I truly believed that I did nothing wrong. It took a lot of years — and some therapy — to be able to finally say, “Tal, you were the jerk. Own it.” And now I had behaviors that I knew I didn’t want to carry on.

It works the other way too! It’s really easy to identify behaviors and feelings we don’t like but it’s worth taking time to identify our behaviors that we do like and want to continue nurturing. Por ejemplo: I love gassing people up. It makes me feel good, it makes the other person feel good and generally creates good vibes all around…and it’s contagious.

Don’t believe me? Cheer someone on enthusiastically sometime and watch it spread like fire.

Identify What You Want to Be

And build on those characteristics!

Once I saw the traits in myself that I didn’t like — selfish, self-centered, oblivious — and the traits I did like, I had something to work with.I love uplifting others, but it’s hard to turn that one behavior into a whole personality.

What else was there? Empathy versus apathy; kindness versus niceness (there IS a difference); being someone I could live with versus a garbage bag human. Okay, that last one might be a bit dramatic, but the point stands.

These were what I wanted for myself. It’s up to you to decide what you want to be and then work toward being that person. You can do this, but you should know:

It’s Hard Work You’ll Get Wrong (sometimes)

I know, it’s not very uplifting, but we’re also being honest with ourselves, remember. But before you think I’m being a total downer, everyone gets it wrong ALL. THE. TIME. And it’s okay to get it wrong.

Several years later, I ran into the man I dated from the early 2000s. He wanted to try to make something work again because, as he said, “we were both in the wrong mindset.” I thought it was a second chance that I didn’t deserve but I was glad he thought enough of me to try again.

At this point, I’d been doing some of the work and I had a good idea where I wanted to be. I thought “this time will be different.” It was not.

I was shocked that I started doing the same things that broke us up the first time. I was devastated. I thought I had made this great progress for it all to be snuffed out in just a few weeks. Though it felt like it at time, the setback wasn’t as progress-ending as I’d thought.

When you inevitably do get it wrong, be kind to yourself. I wanted to crawl in bed to live out the rest of my life as a blanket burrito. Obviously, I didn’t because I didn’t want to throw out the hard work I’d been doing. It took a few days of licking my wounds and assessing how I ended up in this position (again), but I got back on the horse, so to speak.

Not giving up is just as important as being kind to yourself. Like my dad says, “If the work was easy, everyone would do it.” I’m a fighter. You’re a fighter — especially if you’ve read this far. Keep fighting. You’re worth it.

Finally, you’re not a dusty book sitting on some shelf waiting to be discovered. You’re a canvas. Paint with courage, and kindness, and make your own work of art. BE your own work of art stroke by imperfect stroke. You won’t be a masterpiece overnight. There will be moments when you wonder if this is worth the struggle — it is. You’re worth every stroke, every splatter, and every bold splash of color. Pick up your brushes and paint your masterpiece.