Disclaimer: I am not a licensed mental health professional. I’m just a guy relating personal experiences from years of being alive and going to therapy (and being and dating emotionally unavailable men).
Greg Matos published an article in Psychology Today that has many cis hetero men (and plenty of gay men) in their feelings. Feelings feelings. While I’m not keen to discuss the article itself (because let’s face it, he’s right), I’m heavily interested in the social media fallout that came after.
Social media users lament the “impossibly high” standards women are setting. How can women find a good man when they create such standards as emotional availability and maturity?
My guy, if you’re the person asking these questions, I’ve got some news for you.
We’re Not Doing the Work
Guys, we’ve been skating by just doing the bare minimum for ages. The bar is so low that we need a mining expedition just to find it.
How many times have we gone above, beyond, and farther in the hopes of getting something in return? Be it sex, a relationship, or companionship. When everything you do is transactional, it’s insincere and incredibly transparent. “But I bought them dinner! I was super romantic! I got nothing out of it,” I hear some guys say.
Bro, you got a date. You got the company of another person who likely wishes they’d done anything else. She knew what your deal was because for as slick as you think you are, you’re not.
We’re entitled to nothing. Not sex, not a relationship, not companionship. Instead of bitching about it, maybe unpack why you think you’re entitled to those things.
Do you want to do better?
Stop Perpetuating Toxic Masculinity
Toxic masculinity is way more than a buzzword. It invalidates your humanity by limiting the emotions you’re allowed to express while telling you that “real men” don’t experience depression and anxiety.
You become less real, pigeonholed into a two-dimensional character who’s only allowed to express anger or aggression. It’s not fair to you, and it’s certainly not fair to your partner.
What happens when you let yourself express your emotions? You start to mature and become emotionally available. That’s sexy.
Ditch the “boys don’t cry” bullshit because people will listen when you talk about your feelings.
Talk About Your Feelings
What’s more challenging than not perpetuating toxic masculinity? Talking about your feelings!
I get it, man. I was terrible at it. Like many guys, I’d bottle all the socially “unacceptable” feelings up nice and tight and let it fester as a mental illness. And I was fucking miserable.
Do you know what happened? The feelings built up until the pressure was so great that I erupted. Mount Saint Helens 1981 erupted. It was ugly, and I hurt many people I care about most (not physically). Everything I’d been holding back came out in an ugly rage.
It took a long time and a skilled therapist to repair the damage I’d done — and some of those relationships were never the same. It didn’t have to be this way had I known how to communicate.
Learn to Communicate
This goes hand-in-hand with talking about your feelings. But how do you talk about them in the first place? You have to learn. We’re often told that men don’t talk about their feelings; therefore, we don’t know how to effectively communicate them.
Learning good communication skills is usually something you can’t do without a bit of help (like any skill). Use your resources! We have a wealth of knowledge at our fingertips — use it:
- Read a reputable article on communication skills
- Learn how to express yourself in a healthy, productive way
- Learn how poor communication skills damage relationships, and
- Look for a therapist
Seriously, find a therapist. A therapist’s entire job is to help you be a better, healthier person. A good therapist can help you learn excellent communication skills.
For example, play the “why” game with yourself. The “why game” is beneficial in two ways: it will help you understand what you’re feeling and, in turn, communicate it. The point of the game is to keep asking yourself, “why?” until you get to the root of the feeling. Check this TikTok for a great example.
Realize You’re Not Alone
Because we’re conditioned not to talk about our feelings, we can feel genuinely isolated. I promise you’re not alone.
Everyone feels depression and anxiety. Everyone wants to feel wanted. Everyone wants their needs met, both emotional and physical. Forget, for a moment, about being a man and realize that you’re human.
Final Thoughts
This might seem like a lot of work, and it is! The good news is two-fold: it’s worth it, and you don’t have to do it alone. If you need to talk to someone, visit Psychology Today* and use their handy “Find a Therapist” tool.
When I started on my mental health journey, I was terrified. I was scared that I’d mostly learn that I was a horrible person (spoiler: I wasn’t — but I definitely had room to improve).
Instead of bitching about folks’ hard-to-meet standards, rise up to them! You can do it!
*not sponsored